How to Establish Healthy Boundaries for Children

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are about understanding and respecting our needs and the needs of others. Having boundaries encourages children to think about the people and things around them. It helps them understand what to expect and creates a safe space. It's important for children to learn how to follow rules. This is a skill that they will need to learn for their adult life. Learning to respect boundaries and rules will help them when they start school, when they learn to drive a car or when they start their first job.

It is very important to understand that conscious parenting is not about letting children do whatever they want. It is not about giving children "the power". A huge part of this parenting style is about communication. It is vital that our children understand what is acceptable and why. Explaining why is so important.

Clear and Consistent Boundary Setting

In my teaching experience, I have behaviour managed children from all different age groups. There are some adjustments that need to be made, depending on the age of the child. However, two key components of setting boundaries are that they must be clear and consistent. They need to be explained with love and compassion. Even if you need to be firm, it is the intention behind what you are saying that is important. You may feel guilty telling your child "no". Remember, that you are doing it from a place of love, knowing what is best for your child. Boundaries are in place to protect our children, as they do not have the ability to always understand what they should or shouldn't do.

It is natural for children to challenge boundaries. It is a part of life. Children will test you to see how far they can go before you tell them to stop. This is why it is so important to set the boundaries before hand, to prevent the undesired behaviour or situation.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

1. Be firm

2. Be brief

3. Be clear

4. Be consistent

5. Reward and praise

6. Be patient

My daughter is an adventurer. She loves to explore and walk around. She doesn't hesitate to walk far away from my husband and I. She has no sense of fear when she runs away from us. She doesn't think about the fast cars on the road nearby, or the stranger, who could grab her and take her away, when no one is looking. I know this sounds scary but it's the truth. Children don't think about these things, they don't have the ability to comprehend the consequences of their actions, this is why it is so important to tell them what can happen.

My husband and I spoke about this and decided to implement boundaries when going to the park and to explain the consequences of what can happen, should she not listen.

Example:

"Sofia, the road is close by, so when you are running around in the park, you cannot go past the brick wall, (walk over to the wall and show her exactly where you are talking about) over here. If you do, you will go back in the pram and we will go home. The road is dangerous, there are fast cars driving by and you can get very hurt if you go near the road."

If she runs past the brick wall, headed towards the road, then she will go straight in the pram and we will go home. It is important that this only happens once.

This is where the boundary is being tested.

What is she learning?

Option 1

She runs past the wall and we stay at the park regardless of what we have said. She is learning that we won't follow through with the boundary that has been put in place, and she will do it again.

Option 2

We leave as soon as she passes the brick wall. She will learn that mummy/daddy has set clear boundaries. "If I don't do what they have asked, then they will follow through with the consequence, we will leave."

Reiterate

The next time we go to the park I will set the boundary again.

"Sofia, remember what I said last time. There are fast cars on the road. You need to stay close to me, away from the road. If you go past the brick wall, you will go back in the pram and we will go home."

She will remember what happened the last time and not want to leave, so she should listen. If for some reason, she doesn't, then she will go back in the pram and we will go home again. We will continue to do this until she the follows the boundary. If she does listen and follows the boundary, then she should be rewarded for the behaviour.

How to reward the desired behaviour

1. Praise your child.

2. Give your child an opportunity to do something they enjoy doing as a treat later.

3. Give your child something yummy that they might only get to eat on special occasions.

Example: Well done! Very good listening! Because you didn't go past the brick wall, we will stay at the park for another 5 minutes. Great work!

Taking the Time to Talk to Your Child

Something that has always stuck with me, throughout my teaching career, was when the most challenging child in the class would begin to listen and follow instructions.

It always took around 6 weeks to establish behaviour and guidelines in the classroom. By the end of term 1, most, if not all the children would be able to listen and follow instructions with ease. At the beginning, I would always spend a lot of time reiterating the boundaries and class rules, explain why they were in place and reward, reward, reward. I tried to focus as much as I could on the positive behaviours children were displaying.

The greatest shift I saw, with any child, was receiving the consequence when they challenged the boundaries and the follow up conversation I always had with them. This was the time when I built relationships and rapport most, with my students. To this day, now as a mother, I always ensure I speak to my children after something has happened. Talking it out is so important. You have the opportunity to explain your perspective to your child so they can see where you're coming from. The child also has an opportunity to speak about their perspective so that you can see where they were coming from. It allows for both you and your child to process what happened. Taking the time to talk to your child can have amazing and profound benefits.

Respecting Your Child's Boundaries

It is important to remember, when setting boundaries, that children also have boundaries and we should respect theirs. For example, if a child has said they don't want a hug or they don't want to be tickled. When we ignore this, and hug and tickle them anyway, we are not respecting their boundaries and what they have asked.

We can teach our children what respecting boundaries looks like, by respecting THEIR boundaries. When a child's boundaries are disrespected, they are likely to grow up with unhealthy boundaries themselves.

Never forget love, forgiveness and respect, as these aspects work both ways.