5 Steps to Using Positive Language With Your Kids

When we focus on the positives, our children feel empowered. Using positive language enables us, as the parents or caregivers, to inform the child of what the desired behaviour is. If we focus on the negatives by telling our children what we don't want them to do, then the focus is on the undesired behaviour. "No, don't, stop" are all words we are familiar with. When we tell children this, they know what they shouldn't be doing. They may be left wondering what it IS we want them to do, this is why it is vital to focus on the positive behaviour.

Positive language tells your child exactly what it is that you want. An example of this is if a child is running inside, instead of saying "STOP running!!" You could try "We walk inside, please slow down." This way, you are telling them exactly the behaviour they should be doing.

Why is using negative language easier?

It often feels easier to focus on the negatives than on the positives. Why is that? Well when we focus on the negatives, we can command our children in a much quicker way. Saying "STOP" without giving a reason why, is all we have the time and energy for some days. With all of the pressures we deal with day to day, taking the time to sit down and constantly explain what we want to our children, feels like more effort than we have.

Using positive language requires a lot of patience. Some days this may come easier than others. When we take the time to focus on the positives, and explaining the "why" to our children, we will find that it will avoid a lot of unwanted behaviour and tantrums. Children love being spoken to on their level. They thrive off it.

Here are the steps on how to implement Positive Language in your home!

Step 1

Become aware of how you are speaking and the language you are using so that you can correct it. Is there a certain behaviour that your child does that triggers you. Notice what it triggers. Instead of being reactive, just notice what is happening. The things you want to say, and how you can say what you need to say in a calm manner.

It will be hard at first to recondition yourself to reacting, but as with anything, the more you practice, the easier it will get over time.

Step 2

Learn alternatives

Instead of: Don't run! Say: Slow Down

Instead of: No hitting! Say: Be gentle

Instead of : Stop Yelling! Say: Use a quiet voice

Instead of : Stop Crying! Say: I can see that you are crying, I am here for you if you need me

Try using these phrases. When you see the improvement, you wont be able to stop. It will come so much more naturally to explain how your child should be behaving, leaving both you and your child feeling empowered.

Step 3

Set Healthy boundaries. Prevention is better than the cure. If you know that you will be going into a situation where your child may run, warn them before hand that they will need to walk slowly. Or if they have a habit of running off, tell them that they will need to hold your hand when crossing the road or walking through the shops, and the consequences of what can happen if they don't.

If you know your baby/toddler isn't going to do what you say, just move whatever they can't have out of sight or reach. This will also aid in avoiding tantrums. If you can avoid the behaviour, you will spend less time correcting it.

Step 4

Reason with your child. Give your children options. If they cry and scream saying they don't want to go to sleep when you say it is bed time. Give them an option. Would you like to brush your teeth or read a book before bed? Which book would you like to read first?

Giving them some choices will make them feel empowered and also excited, taking their mind off whatever they were originally upset about. Think about things your child enjoys and utilise these as part of whatever routine you struggle with the most. My daughter doesn't like going to bed, as she doesn't want to miss out on anything with the family. When we mention books and her babies that she likes to cuddle with, we usually have no problems with encouraging her to move to her bedroom.

Step 5

Relax. If you are stressed, this will quickly turn into anger. Take some time out for yourself, ask for help if you need it. It honestly, takes a village to raise a child. The more you relax and destress, the more patience you will have. You project how you feel, and your children can feel this.

Positive language in my home has been a game changer. I have noticed my children are more confident, they feel safer and happier. There are less tantrums and arguments. Of course we are only human, we are going to make mistakes and lose our patience, this is only natural. However, we can strive to being the best version of ourselves for our children and for ourselves.

Goodluck!