Unconditional Love

What is Unconditional Love?

The most profound thing we can do for our children is to love them unconditionally. Accepting them completely, without restrictions. Loving them with affection, even when they have made a mistake. Unconditional love has no strings attached, no conditions. Therefore, we love our children no matter what.

It is so important that our children know that they are enough. They don't have to do anything in particular or behave a certain way to receive our love. They don't have to be happy all the time. Feeling anger, sadness and jealousy are all natural feelings, that all of us experience daily.

When you are feeling triggered, having a bad day or just simply exhausted because of what life throws at us, it is important not to take these feelings out on our children. We are only human too, this can happen. Owning our behaviour and apologising for our wrongs is vital. We can teach our children that we experience all of these same feelings too and that this is normal. However, taking it out on others or hurting others because of how we are feeling and then not apologising, is not okay. We can be role models to our children by admitting when we are wrong.

It is important to show your child you love them unconditionally by:

- Not lashing out, even if our child has done something justifiably wrong. They learn how to regulate their emotions from our reactions.

- Not comparing our children to others.

- Stay lovingly connected as you set boundaries on behaviour.

- Understanding that our children are emotionally immature, they make mistakes. This is part of learning, growing and experiencing life.

Understanding Them

All misbehaviour from a child is a sign that something is going on. There is usually an underlying reason for the behaviour, an unmet need. Address the need not the behaviour. You will see a big shift.

I recently had a baby and my 2 year old daughter found it very hard having a new brother. She had daily tantrums, screamed and cried all the time. Pushed my husband and I away and said she didn't want us, didn't want to kiss or hug us. She never hurt her brother but she had a very hard time sharing her toys with him and would scream a lot during breastfeeding time.

I could see that she already had to share the greatest and most important thing in her world, her parents. As a result, she didn't want to share anything else, with any one else. My son, who is 6 months old now, has never known anything different. He was born into sharing. He had a sister the second he entered this world. My daughter, on the other hand, has had to learn to share her mum and dad. It has taken time, she is still learning. When she starts putting small things in her mouth, or does the opposite of what I ask her to do, I realise that she wants more attention from me and is doing whatever she needs to to get it.

How do I resolve this?

- I spend more one-on-one time with her, whenever I can.

- I do special things with her and ensure I have quality time with her, doing some of her favourite activities together.

- She gets a special treat, or a favourite snack while I breastfeed or have time with my son.

- I let her cry it out, support her and let her know that it is okay to feel all of the things she is feeling, and that I love her regardless.

When your child act's out, it is their way of communicating to you that they need your help!

Use love, empathy and compassion to manage behaviour

Love and compassion is a very powerful tool. Prevention is better than the cure. By loving our children we can prevent many unwanted behaviours. Punishment withdraws love from the child. If we hurt the child physically or emotionally, the child does not feel loved in that moment. Parents usually punish when they have exhausted all other options, or they don't know what else to do.

By setting an example to our children, we teach them emotional intelligence, we teach them how to behave. Using the silent treatment or hitting is only teaching them that this is the only way to go about resolving an issue. Talk to your child, explain the desired behaviour, or the consequences of what can happen as a result of the unwanted behaviour.

Acknowledging their feelings avoids unwanted behaviour

How many times have you heard parents say "You're okay!" "You're fine!" "Stop crying!" When we say these things we invalidate how the child is feeling. We are teaching them that what they are feeling is not okay. If they are upset we are telling them that they are fine, when really, in that moment, they are not. By validating how they feel, children will feel heard and accepted and this may avoid the child acting out in other ways.

Try using phrases such as:

- "You are really upset because you don't want to leave, I understand".

- "That really hurt didn't it honey? Come here".

- "You must be angry to speak to me like that, let's talk it out".

- "I understand you're upset and thats why you hit your brother, let's talk about whats going on and why you're feeling this way".

Talking it out doesn't mean that you accept the behaviour. Explain the situation, and why they may be feeling this way. Offer suggestions for an alternative way of expressing their feelings. For example "Hitting someone hurts them. It's okay to be angry but It's not fair to hurt someone else just because we are feeling a certain way. What could we do instead? Let's practise that."

Trust that unconditional love can heal. Love your child always, no matter what. Be connected and trust your gut!

Written by Amy Rayner