Tantrums - Your Child's Way of Communicating

What is a tantrum? A tantrum can range from kicking and screaming to hitting, biting and crying. Tantrums are a normal and natural part of a child's development. It's how young children express themselves. Tiredness, hunger and stress are all triggers. Young children are learning to self regulate. This is why their emotions are so loud. They haven't learnt how to process emotions in a way that we have. As parents, we regulate our child's emotions. This is why it is so important to be calm.

How to Avoid Daily Tantrums?

- Distraction

- Ensure your child has had adequate sleep and food

- Know your child's limits

- Keep off limit objects out of site

- Give your child some control

Tantrums can happen at any age, but toddler years are when they happen the most. This is because their brains are developing at such a rapid rate, they are learning to process a lot information in a short period of time. Your child will process triggers with emotion. They don't have the capacity to think with logic, that comes later and with lots of practise. Remember your child's age, think about the expectations that you have and if they are reasonable.

Having a tantrum is actually really healthy! If a child feels safe enough to express themselves without worrying about your judgment, that's a good thing. We want our children to let it out, internalising their feelings or bottling it up is how many of us have coped over the years. So as parents, we panic when we see our child having a melt down. We don't know how to deal with it. We begin to worry about what people are thinking, the judgement sets in. "Am I a bad parent?". As a result, we sometimes try to control the tantrum with anger. I'm sure we've all had that moment when our child throws themselves on the ground and starts screaming because she doesn't get a lollipop. This is why it is so important to do the work on ourselves.

Children are not being malicious or manipulative when they have a tantrum, even though sometimes it feels that way. They are not personally attacking you. Children are not emotionally mature enough to have that thought process. Mocking or teasing your child will only escalate the tantrum, so will anger. There is actually nothing wrong with just letting your child cry it out.

How to avoid public tantrums:

- Tell your child what's going to happen. Take the time to tell your child what is happening. Let them know the plan for the day, where they will be going, who they will be seeing. Children appreciate being spoken to.

Example: I understand that right now you want to go to the park but you are tired. When we get home, you are going to go for a sleep and when you wake up you will feel much better. We can go to the park after you have had your sleep.

- Know your child. If you know there is something in particular that sets them off, talk to them about it before hand.

Example: I know you love playing with Jenny. When she comes over later, she will play with a lot of your toys. They are still your toys, even though she is playing with them. When she leaves, your toys will stay here with you.

- Be prepared. Distraction is a great way to calm a tantrum. Pack their favourite activities or snacks. So when you leave the park and they don't want to go, offer them the alternative.

Example: This is your last go on the swing because we need to leave afterwards. I've got your special princess book in the pram that you can read on the way home.

- Set boundaries. This sets expectations for both you and your child. Set 1 or 2 rules, don't give them too many as this may confuse them. Always explain why.

Examples:

- Once you get in the trolley, you have to stay in the trolley. If you run around I might lose you because this is a busy place, with lots of people.

- You have to get into the pram now, we are crossing a busy road with a lot of fast cars.

Does Ignoring Behaviour Work?

I have read a few different articles online about ignoring behaviour during a tantrum. The problem with ignoring the behaviour is that it can often be misinterpreted as ignoring the child, which will only escalate the problem. When a child is seeking your attention, they will often play up to get it. This isn't bad behaviour and it shouldn't be ignored. In fact, by giving your child attention, loving them and being present, the undesired behaviour should stop.

When we ignore our children we are sending them the message that our love is conditional. They only get our attention when they do what we want them to do. Giving your child the silent treatment is withdrawing from love. This can lead to a feeling of abandonment. "My mother/father doesn't see me, I feel isolated and alone". Instead of feeling love, your child feels fear.

When we ignore our children we don't address the need. As I said before, when our children misbehave, they are trying to communicate. By ignoring this, we never address the issue. Most of the time, children don't understand the behaviour themselves. It is our job as their parents to see what is going on. Instead of reacting. Stop, think, observe.

When we ignore our children we impair emotional development and growth. Children learn from our behaviour. We are their number one role models. When we ignore them we are showing emotional immaturity. By being the mature ones we address the behaviour/need. We are modelling how to behave in a healthy way. Talking about our feelings and expressing ourselves are all healthy parts of a relationship. They are skills that children need to learn, so that they can use this in their adult life.

Hugging it Out

Sometimes even when we have exhausted all options tantrums still happen. That's okay, ride it out with your child and be there to calmly support them afterwards. Hugs are great for brain development and physical growth. Hugging it out shows your child that you love them no matter what, no conditions. It is a beautiful way to bond with your child and encourages a healthy release of hormones. Children do better when they feel better.